5 US Services

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
” I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that at least twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and receive no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won’t allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as “salty” because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
” I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of “Basic Training”, I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!”
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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
” I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual…..er…..I mean “Basic Training,” I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to “COMPANY.” I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!”
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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
” I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate,” because I didn’t want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, “Hey, I like to swim…why not?” I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like “deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head,” when I really mean “floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet.” I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound “colleagues.” So Help Me Neptune!”
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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
” I, (pick a name the police won’t recognize), swear..uhhhh….high-and-tight…. grunt… cammies….kill….fix bayonets….charge….slash….dig….burn….blow up….ugh…Air Force women….beer…..sailors wives…..air strikes….yes SIR!….whiskey….liberty call….salute….Ooorah Gunny….grenades…women….OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!” X____________________
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Awesome!!

Issue: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

TRADOC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Forces Command : The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Army Personnel Command: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Army Foreign Technology Center : This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as ‘roads.’

FT Rucker: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken’s 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

FORSCOM: The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

ARMY Material Command (AMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today’s multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken’s ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment. AMC’s Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.

Thanks to whiskey_kitten (Twitter) for this gem..

BTW We have a Code name for Mr. Chicken in the NAVY == BARBECUE…

I missed out on the National Holiday announced by Denny’s on the Superbowl broadcast.

On February 3rd from 0600-1400, you could eat at Denny’s and get a Free Grand Slam Breakfast.

Ohh the HUMANITY!! Make Denny’s “TIME MAGAZINE’s” Person of the year for 2009!!

Hey it’s a hard year.. the economy sucks.. folks are having a hard time joining the Armed Forces because none of you are getting out now due to the job climate. (Smart Folks I say…)

But do you think our Brothers and Sisters in Arms were able to go to this event, heck No.. I could see it now..

HN Shmuckatelli walks up to HMC CrazyCajun with a Special Request Chit..

“Hey Chief, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure HN, what can I do for you”?

“I realize it’s late giving you this Chit (Being it’s Monday) But a National Holiday cropped up on Sunday I knew nothing about!”

The Wise old HMC scratches his chin.. Takes a Sip of Coffee……

“What Holiday is this that you forgot about”?

The HN Promptly hands the HMC his Special request chit asking for Special Lib from 0600-1400 to attend a free meal at Denny’s…

Chief’s response..

“)%($*)(%$)@$#)($*)(#*$#)(*#&*%(&*(%&%#&#%*(@_@_!_  GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, AND GET ME SOME COFFEE”!!
See none of us got to go to Denny’s.. but last I saw, HMC CrazyCajun was hightailing it to his Truck..

Dennys Grand Slam

HAH!

Read this article from the Chicago Tribune.. Too funny as well:

Getting Slammed

Ok We have been depressed with the last story..

What we need now is some humor!! Humor I say..

When I was still on Active Duty at NHCS as a Instructor, I would aways show this funny ad before we taught Meds and Math..

One of the funniest Commercials I have ever seen.  And since it is the playoffs for Football..

Enjoy!
D/C

Feeling woozy after your latest round of immunization shots? Then you’re probably a male airman.

Ten years of records showed that 2,612 service members passed out cold — and fell down — after a nurse slowly inserted a thin half-inch of steel into their biceps or buttocks.

Data from the Armed Forces Health Surveillance Center shows that the rate of airmen who fell out was twice that of soldiers and sailors — Marines fall in between — and that twice as many men as women were among the fainthearted. The overall numbers also are rising; today’s service members are 2½ times more likely to faint from getting a shot than they were in 1998.

Possibly worse than the risk of ridicule is the risk of injury, the report states, “particularly when collapse leads to forceful contact between the face or skull … and a sharp or solid object nearby.” Researchers found 150 examples of fractures, brain injuries, open wounds, contusions, sprains and strains.

Fainting occurs when blood vessels dilate and blood pressure decreases among people who stand for too long, don’t like the sight of blood or fear pain, experts say.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”

The Chief replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.”

“What’s the matter, old man?” says the young man. “Never done anything crazy in your life?”

The old man replies: “Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son.”