Best way to help

[CorpsmanMom]

Not sure where to post this so, Chief, if it needs to move please do so. My FMF Corpsman son, 19 years old is currently in the box and will be heading home soon. I know all returning personnel handle real life a little different. What has me concerned the most is his calls and emails the last few weeks have been increasingly filled with attitude of not giving a damn. Cost him his merit promotion. I know that working 24/7 for 6 solid months is draining but what I am asking is for advice on the best way to help him from those who have been thru this. His Unit for the most part has been in a relatively calm place. His Marine Company, the whole Company, is returning from a combat zone with all that deployed except one Marine who was injured early in the deployment (cut his hand on razor wire and was shipped back home). KNOCK ON WOOD FOR ME. He has asked that we be there when he gets back for the 3-4 days of immediate leave upon return. I hope I have given enough background to ya'll if not let me know. Again, just looking for suggests on do and don'ts, I guess.

On a side note, Chief, we will be up in your neck of the woods Friday before Thanksgiving, our daughter semi followed in her brothers foot steps and will graduate from Bootcamp then. I say semi because she selected the police side rather than the medical side.

Thanks for any help,

Debbie

[AndiRRT]

Hi Debbie. I am in no way able to help with what you are asking, as I have not been in those shoes, but I did want to tell you to thank both your son and daughter for their service!

Andi

[Da-Chief]

Hey Mom,
I am going to ask Crazy to answer this also a few other brothers in arms who have done this dance.

I am not ignoring, just want to get you the right advice..

HMC

[HMC-FMF-PJ]

#1. Remind him he is still in the AOR and not to get complacent or it could bite him good.

The main question is a tougher one and may require a little gentle probing. It may be deployment related or it could have absolutely zero to do with his deployment. For instance, there may be a private matter in his personal life that went south, or it could be a case of burn out or unit politics. So called "merit promotions" for Corpsmen (if I am understanding you correctly) are *extremely* rare events and typically do not happen. Therefore, not getting a special above-&-beyond deal is hardly an indication that something is wrong.

What to do about it is even tougher and depends a lot on your personal relationship with your son. Do not go over board playing mother hen regardless of how much you want to protect your little baby. Be there to listen and keep your eyes open for indicators.

I would say try to treat him like he is coming home from being away at school or summer internship. It sounds funny but more civilians seem to be able to relate to that. The young high school graduate just went off to live on his own for an extended period and did a bit of growing while he was away. Just like any kid that runs off to college, they come home a bit different than when they left. Their head should be in a different place now as compared to the 18 y/o HS senior that you kissed goodbye a while back.

Most college kids come home on their way to bigger and better things, but some come home full of bad habits after living with a bunch of unsupervised 18-22 y/o students, worried about student loans, buried in credit card debit, anxious about failing grades, upset about a sweatheart, wanting to be a kid again, or maybe with a dependency problem from too many frat parties. They may also want to spend their time away from the family to be with their friends. Do not freak out that little Johnny is not the same person you saw get on the plane or has different priorities than you think he should. Do not assume the changes mean something is wrong; however, be aware of the indications that something could be wrong. *IF* something seems wrong, do not assume you know the reason or the cause.

Since I do not know your son or the relationship you have with him, it is hard for me to give any specific advice. Give him the space an adult deserves, but observe and *listen*. Many families seem to have an agreed upon standard of conduct or acceptable norm. I would cut him a little slack for the occassional excess but do not throw out those standards - especially if the new behavior is self destructive or career damaging. The military has various support mechansims *IF* they are needed and your local community probably does too. I say, welcome him home like he is coming back from being away at college. Realize that he *should not* be the same kid he was when he left. There are a million *if's* and *maybe's* I could toss out. As long as there is no aberrant behavior or questionable conduct, he is probably doing just fine with the typical young adult growing pains and job hassles.

Do try to be there when he gets back.
Do welcome him home and let him know you love him.
Do not plan a big get-together or party unless he okays it.
Do not dictate his schedule or try to set his agenda.
Do have a flexible plan of options available.
Do not be hurt if he wants to spend time away from the family.
Do treat him like an adult and realize his priorities may be different than yours.
Do ask him what he wants and when he would want it.
Do not be concerned if he simply sleeps for the first couple days.
Do not be surprised if he tries to go nonstop for the first couple days.
Do expect him to act like an adult and be responsible like an adult.
Do not be excessively worried or overly concerned.
Do employ Private Messages (PM) as needed.
Do ask for more feedback, guidance or help at anytime.
EGBOK

[DeeDee]

EXCELLENT ADVICE which can be applied to several situations.
Will definitely be keeping it in mind for when Dan comes home next year.

[CorpsmanMom]

Thank you so much for the valuable advice. What you have given is right along the lines of what I needed.

I know I was vague on the promotion part but now that I read your post, I would like to get just a bit more specific in case that another set of "watch, anticipate this". He was up for Blue Jacket of the Quarter and up for this Merit Promotion, I think the Blue Jacket is separate from the promotion, what he told me was that the he ran off at mouth to the officer trying to get him to reenlist (not the first time he has been approached) this got back to the Chief and he said "Attitude like that does not deserve this promotion". So based on that, I definitely (from my perception mother and distance) feel there is a big slide starting. Could part of it be the difference between dealing with Marine Commanders and then Navy coming in? He sounds like his unit has been at a remote non US base very much cut off from the normal (is there a normal?) US out of country base? If it is paranoia please tell me, if this is within the range normal reaction after 6 months, please tell me and I will sit back and enjoy fixing him cheese dip and dr pepper.

Thanks again for this peace of mind site and information.

[8404]

Wow;

Losing bearing and running his mouth off with attitude to an officer! If he was nominated for blue jacket of the quarter, he must have been a squared away sailor, demonstrating great leadership and going the extra mile at some point. However, for his behavior to change to one of 'attitude' and such towards the Navy, something must have happened to sour his perception.

I won't speculate and will defer to some more experienced personnel on this site who are far more qualified than I to answer.

I wouldn't call it paranoia, you're just a concerned parent.

[HMC-FMF-PJ]

Employee/Management interactions like that happen all over the world for all sorts of reasons. You might flip a good burger or make a mean Slurpie but still blow your raise and get your employee of the month photo taken down by saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. Once the boss and/or employee is upset, things can go south rather rapidly if not handled properly. It does not matter if the comments were provoked or unprovoked; your son experienced a lapse in professionalism that bite him in the butt.

I am still of the opinion that this is not necessarily a deployment related issue. This sort of thing happens between workers and supervisors all the time. You have probably seen it happen sometime during your career. While the stresses of deployment may increase the strain, I do not think it is the cause.

Regardless of why it happened or if it was justified, the fact that it did happen could be enough to sour an employee's attitude. We all know which way certain matter rolls, so it is in the subordinate's best interest to improve the situation, endure the situation, or leave the situation. Unfortunately some subordinates seem hell bent to make matters worse for themselves. This isn't just a military thing, but the fact he is deployed probably increases the strain.

Overall it sounds like the typical young adult growing pains and job hassles. This isn't the high school football team that any player can quit after an argument with the coach. Even in the civilian world, it's typically a bad idea to walk off the job when you have adult responsibilities like paying the mortgage. Civilians under contract aren't permitted to just up and quit either. It is easy for an individual to feel trapped and overwhelmed when friction develops with the boss and the employee is unable to simply quit or go somewhere else.

[HMC-FMF-PJ]

To maybe put the Chief's actions in a different perspective:
As a boss trying to take care of your people, are you going to use your silver bullets on an employee about to resign and leave the company or would you select another employee who has plans to stay with the organization?

Only one sailor at the command will get BJOQ (Blue Jacket of the Quarter). Personally I would likely give it to the top performer even if he had plans to get out; however, as I compare candidates a tie would go to the sailor staying Navy. A sudden lapse in professionalism would cause me to reconsider whether that sailor is worthy of BJOQ.

Merit promotions are extremely rare and can be a lot of work. The Command Advancement Program (CAP) is special recognition for superior performance while working in a rigorous operating environment. At a command of 1,000 personnel only a maximum of two could be promoted to E-5 (one to E-6, zero to E-4). If I was going to use up a silver bullet and burn favors to get a guy an extra special promotion, then I would likely only do that for a sailor who would be around long enough to benefit from it. A sudden lapse in professionalism might also cause me to delay or reconsider whether or not that sailor is really deserving, or ready for, the increased responsibility a promotion would bring.

Bosses may have different reasons for doing the things they do. Heck, when I was in A-School the Chief individually asked the class E-3's with the highest grades if he could give the academic award to the top E-2 even though the E-3's had better grades. The academic award was little more than a nice comment in an E-3 eval, but for an E-2 it also meant a promotion to E-3. Therefore the top E-3's agreed to give the award to the top E-2 because it would benefit him the most.

Reference:
Command Advancement Program (CAP)
http://buperscd.technology.navy.mil/bup_updt/508/Instructions/143017.htm

[CorpsmanMom]

Thank you for the explanations. I really appreciate the time all of you have taken to help me understand.

[docdhaene]

There is an old saying in the Navy 1 ah__sh___. Wipes out a hundred atta'boy's.
Second thing operational Commanding Officer's are only allowed so many meritorious promotions a year. Sound advice from HMC-FMF-PJ, my son inlaw came back last year and to many had to much planned for Him, can be a-little overwhelming all meant well however.