Doc_Pardue
02-08-2007, 08:04
ANNOUNCEMENT: Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Chicago, Illinois market:
"Military Barbie"
Great Lakes/Ft. Sheridan Barbie in full military dress uniform holding an Anerican flag while saluting. Available in Battle Dress uniform with 9 mm sidearm and an AR-15, footlocker and a case of MRE's.
"Gold Coast Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Water Tower Place. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Schaumburg Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
"Canaryville Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a knife, a Chevy Malibu with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash
(preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"North Shore (Lake Forest, Winnetka, Highland Park...) Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Berwyn/Cicero Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"South Loop Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining book-club friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse/apartment conversion condo.
"Where's that one trailer park in (insert any far, far northern or far, far southern "suburb" (ie. Antioch, Round Lake Beach, Blue Island, etc. here) Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
"Lakeview Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"Joliet Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and Metra pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of another infant.
"Lincoln Park Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out "golfing".
"Rush Street Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
"Military Barbie"
Great Lakes/Ft. Sheridan Barbie in full military dress uniform holding an Anerican flag while saluting. Available in Battle Dress uniform with 9 mm sidearm and an AR-15, footlocker and a case of MRE's.
"Gold Coast Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Water Tower Place. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
"Schaumburg Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
"Canaryville Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a knife, a Chevy Malibu with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash
(preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
"North Shore (Lake Forest, Winnetka, Highland Park...) Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
"Berwyn/Cicero Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
"South Loop Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining book-club friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse/apartment conversion condo.
"Where's that one trailer park in (insert any far, far northern or far, far southern "suburb" (ie. Antioch, Round Lake Beach, Blue Island, etc. here) Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
"Lakeview Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"Joliet Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and Metra pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of another infant.
"Lincoln Park Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out "golfing".
"Rush Street Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.